This article serves as a follow-up to Brittany Rosario’s “Exploring Polyamory” article.
If you’re reading this article, you might be interested in learning more about how nonmonogamous relationships work. For the past two years, I’ve interacted with several individuals who consider themselves to be polyamorous. I, myself, have experimented with having non-monogamous relationships and have found it to be beneficial. Though I do contend with jealousy on occasion, I’m finding that I can work through the bad feelings and that the benefits far outweigh the pain I feel from my own hangups.
Something I particularly enjoy about polyamorous relationships is the emphasis on communication. Yes, communication is vital in any relationship, but people within the poly community really stress its importance and (more often than not) attempt to resolve any problems they have with partners. And this goes beyond just communicating about problems within the relationship two people have. It creates a support system within groups of people who are aware of each other’s relationships and also keeps everyone’s sexual health in check, as STI testing is of paramount importance (for obvious reasons).
Now, while nonmonogamous relationships involve having multiple partners, it is worth knowing that people handle them differently. Some people prefer to have a hierarchy, in which there are “primary,” “secondary,” and even “tertiary” partners. Other people prefer to not use labels at all and enjoy the fluidity of their relationships with people. There’s no “right” or “wrong” way to pursue nonmonogamous relationships, with respect to structure, but there is such a thing as ethical nonmonogamy.
If you’re a bit skeptical about this concept, consider this: there are different definitions and types of cheating (e.g. emotional, physical). The constant is dishonesty; if someone doesn’t know that their partner is involved with someone else, that’s cheating! Definitions will vary from relationship to relationship (for example, some people are alright with flirting), but ultimately, if you are doing something (with someone else) without your partner’s knowledge that you know would betray their trust, that’s cheating.
On a totally different note, when a monogamous relationship fails, that’s usually the end. Typically (and somewhat mysteriously), it’s hard to move on and become friends. Polyamory places a lot of emphasis on the fluidity of relationships. A friend of mine is now friends with a former partner of hers. They hang out like friends normally would. The breakup has had very little effect on their ability to continue having a relationship, save for the fact that their relationship no longer has a romantic component.
There are a couple of terms worth knowing. “Limerence” is what many people consider to be true love or infatuation – the feelings of closeness one might experience early on in a relationship that usually fade with time. Limerence can be a problem in both poly and mono relationships, though it is typically more common in mono ones due to socially constructed ideals about how relationships should resemble those in fairytales. Another concept to be aware of is “compersion,” which, put simply, is the opposite of jealousy. It’s difficult to get good at, but it is ultimately very rewarding because unlearning jealousy enables people to be happier, more supportive, and more aware of other partners’ connections to their mutual lover in poly relationships.
Some people absolutely can’t handle nonmonogamy in any capacity – and that’s okay! You should never pursue something you’re uncomfortable with. If one partner in a monogamous relationship is interested in seeing other people, but the other knows from the start that they have reservations, it might not be wise to pursue. They may experience difficulties with compartmentalizing and understanding that sharing the person they care about doesn’t constitute a loss of anything.
If you made it all the way through this long-winded article and are seriously considering polyamory, I strongly recommend you check out the resources I’ve listed below. I’ve read most of The Ethical Slut and think it has a lot of great information, but the hyperfocus on sex might be off-putting for some (as well as the somewhat bizarre “free love” hippie rhetoric). I’ve heard More Than Two gives a more objective look at polyamory with more of a focus on romantic relationships than sexual ones, but I can’t confirm that, as I’ve yet to read it. Last, but certainly not least, the polyamory subreddit is free to read and comment on! It’s a great place to get your feelings out, ask for advice, and discover more poly resources.
More Than Two: A practical guide to ethical polyamory by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert
The Ethical Slut: A Practical Guide to Polyamory, Open Relationships & Other Adventures by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy
/r/polyamory