In recent years, I’ve become more open about my sexuality because I’ve felt like I’ve been in more accepting and progressive environments. I started telling people I trusted, and then I just kind of assumed that everyone knew I was bisexual. I was wrong, and it has led to some pretty bad responses. I have a feeling that if you’re bi and reading this, you’ve experienced every one of these. If you’re not bi, and you’re reading this, I hope you realize why these responses are offensive.
“That’s hot.”
I’m always confused by this response because I never know how to interpret it. When someone tells you they’re straight, is that hot? Is the fact that I may be attracted to you hot? But then I remember that some people fetishize bisexuals and don’t see them as individual people. My sexuality has somehow become a weird and inappropriate fantasy, and, honestly, if this is your response to learning I’m bisexual, you need to take a step back and reflect upon yourself. This brings me to my next most common response.
“So would you be down for a threesome?”
How does this make any sense to ask? You’ve suddenly made an assumption on my promiscuity simply based upon the fact that a person’s gender does not affect whether or not I would date them. Bisexuality does not equal sexual deviancy, which is exactly what this question implies. It’s insulting – especially when someone I barely know asks me this. It also makes me super uncomfortable. Why do you need to know if I’d be into a threesome? I can guarantee to everyone reading this that sexuality does NOT determine whether or not you’re into threesomes, and it does not have an effect on how sexual you are as a person. And, even if I was into them, if you ask me this after learning I’m bi, I would never be in one with you.
“Do your parents know?”
How is my personal life any of your business? My relationship with my family and how much I’ve disclosed about myself to them is none of your concern. The only time this makes sense is if it goes after “I don’t want to out you to anyone, can you please tell me who knows so I don’t accidentally do so?” Even then, you should make it a general rule not to talk to people about other people’s sexuality. For many people it’s very personal, and revealing their sexual orientation has the possibility of taking opportunities away from them.
“Are your parents ashamed?”
I don’t know, man, are your parents ashamed of you? This is just plain rude. By asking this, you can bring up so many emotional issues in a person’s life. You also make it seem like my sexuality is something to be ashamed of. I’ve had people I barely know ask me this question, and I’m shocked every time. Knowing someone’s sexuality does not mean you’re allowed to pry into their personal life, especially when it’s something as sensitive as their home life and their parents’ acceptance of them.
“When you’re dating someone, can you not hang out with anyone anymore?”
This question always amazes me, because not only does it point out how possessive the person is, they also manage to insult me in the same breath. Being bisexual does not mean I’m a sex predator – that no one is able to be my friend. It’s always a straight person that asks me this, and I’m always curious. Does that mean all of your opposite-sex friendships are full of sexual tension? Do you not trust your boyfriend/girlfriend around anyone because you think they’ll cheat? Let me promise you that, if you do, your relationships have never been healthy, and you need to rethink your mindset.
“I’ve always wanted a gay friend.”
This is similar to saying you’ve always wanted an Asian friend, or a friend that plays basketball. I’m not 100% sure what you mean when you say this, but it sounds a lot like fetishizing. You’ve probably imagined that I act a certain way already – you’ve built this concept up on stereotypes. It’s not as harmful as the other responses I’ve had, though, and I’ve laughed the times someone has said this to me. It’s still weird though.